Man Vs. School

I have been called the Bear Grylls of my time. Should you need to start a fire with nothing but gasoline and a match, I’m your man, should you need to create a compass out of nothing but things you can find in your average camping store, I’m your guy. Surviving in a hostile environment is no easy task, but with the right training you can survive anything, and I can think of no environment more hostile than high school. When learning to survive you must begin with the essentials: food, water, and shelter.

Gilmo: Adventurer, Survivalist, Career Badass
Gilmo: Adventurer, Survivalist, Career Badass

You won’t last long in the harsh environment of high school unless you find shelter and quickly! You will want to find a good group of friends to shelter you from the more hazardous elements of high school. While it recommended that you bring these supplies with you on you’re way into high school, don’t fret if you find yourself stripped of your protection. Begin by observing the many groups around you, take note of any customs or rituals. Upon finding a suitable group, follow them around and take notes. Once you feel you are ready to make this shelter your home, canoodle your way in via blackmail and extortion. Forcing someone to hangout with you will make them respect you and make them want to hangout with you more.

After you have established a solid shelter, you must now focus on water. Water is generally very abundant in schools around the country, the key is to determine which water is safe, and which is not. First and foremost, never drink yellow water. If your water is yellow you may be ingesting byproducts of waste treatment. Secondly, if your water is surrounded by porcelain, do not drink it. This water is likely contaminated by waste products as well.  The safest option is to bring your own water, anything else could be contaminated. However, should you be with out your own water, urine is a suitable alternate (fact).

The next thing one need in order to survive is a source of food. The average high school usually has an abundance of food, but one must know which things are good and which things are bad. Your sense of smell is going to be your best friend. If it smells bad it is bad. I would generally advise against anything called “fresh” as this is a grocery term meaning tastes like poop. When eating local foods, it is recommended that one stick to hot things, or things in wrappers.

Lastly, one must be prepared to battle against the many creatures that inhabit the average high school. The biggest threat to your well-being in the average high school is the bully, or douchetis, gigantis. Much like the Trolls I recently exposéd, douchetis gigantis feeds on the pain and anger of weaker individuals. Their desire to humiliate you is likely due to their own feelings of insecurity or inferiority. Much like when fighting grizzly bears, one must find its weakness and exploit it. Should you fall victim to a bully, research their life, find any embarrassing or possibly weakness and exploit it. Should verbal attacks fail, then put enough laxative in their pudding to ensure they never recover. It’s hard to make fun of someone when your pants are full of feces. And remember, they started it!

In addition to these facts I have a few tips that should make survival a bit more enjoyable:


  • Don’t make eye contact with a teacher on the hunt for an answer
  • Keep a brisk walking pace, no one likes being behind a slow person
  • If I can hear your music, it’s too loud
  • You’re never too cool to be kind
  • You just ‘aint swaggin’ if your pants ‘aint saggin’
  • The cake is a lie
  • Studying is for noobs
  • Don’t be a try-hard
  • Freshmen will not speak until spoken to!
  • Bros before Ho’s

With this information, hopefully you will be one of the luck few who will make it through high school. Be sure to look out for my new book: Man Vs. Fire: 1001 Ways to Start a Fire Using Only Flammable Liquids.