The Internet is not a Superhighway. No it is more like the wild wild west, the only difference is the bandits aren’t trying to steal your stuff, for the most part, instead their only goal is to piss off as many people as possible. In case you don’t understand my spot-on analogy, I am referring to trolls; if you don’t know what I’m talking about go to the nearest youtube comments thread and you’ll understand. If that didn’t help all you need to know is that trolls are assholes and are about as entertaining as that whole rick rolling thing. The only instance in which you would want to meet a troll is if it involved punching them in the scrotum. It is time that the internet as a whole stood up and declared war on the trolls.
War of the Trolls
If cliche catchphrases have taught me anything its that you have to fight fire with fire. Unfortuanately the internet currently lacks the capability to catapult burning tires at your enemies, so instead we must resort to other tactics (your move DARPA). No one likes being trolled and as long as these trolls are still human and not some horrific demon spawn, then they mustn’t like being trolled either. Therefore the only reasonable course of action is to troll them back. In order to do this we must first learn the ways of the troll.
Step 1: the meme. The primary weapon of a troll, is the meme. These annoying little pictures are just dumb enough to piss off almost any forum, but not malicious enough to warrant admin attention. So the first thing to do is stock up on memes like this one.
Step 2: Start a fight. If the meme isn’t enough to piss people off the next thing trolls usually do is start a fight about something dumb until one poor fool gets so sucked into it that he forgets to shower (he probably wan’t going to anyways).The easiest way to do this is to pick apart and then make fun of what ever the last person just said. Then once they complain call them a whiney little bitch until they explode in anger.
Step 3: Spam. If none of the previous methods work, then a troll always has one last resort, spam. Simply type the same annoying message and send it over and over again; embrace your inner asshole. If they’re an especially nasty troll, figure out their email and feel free to sign them up for a few internet news letters or enter them in a sweepstakes to win an iPad 4! Who knows, maybe they’ll win some great prizes, like 50 thousand spam messages!
To reiterate, I hate trolls, they are terrible people. There isn’t really an effective way to get rid of them, unless you happen to find yourself in control of an MQ-1 Predator Drone with Hellfire missiles. In which case I would neeeever recommend you utilize that death machine to rain fiery hell upon whatever asshole is trolling the nearest message board. But then again I’m not the one flying the plane, you are, so make the right decision… Aside from using a $4 million US military drone to blow their ass to kingdom come, the only real way to deal with trolls is to tell an admin. On a serious note, I don’t condone trolling, regardless of the circumstances, and I don’t condone people using the anonymity of the internet to bully and harass people… unless its necessary.
Much like the war on drugs, the war on poverty, the war on crime, the war on terror, and all the other theoretical wars, the war of the trolls that can never be truly won. It would seem as though there just too many assholes on the internet, and because there aren’t any punishments for douch baggery, at least not until I get my cyber catapult. So it seems we’ll just have to keep fighting, and hopefully one day our children will be able to surf the internet without having to worry about people saying mean things to them. Ah…that’ll be the day…